Its time we paid a little more attention to the needs of both parents, and the siblings and extended family, when a baby dies. This includes stillbirth, neonatal deatkh, miscarriage and abortion.
We have known for a long time that a public Christian service of prayer and memorial can be healing for everyone involved. It is time for all parishes to recognise that there is a gap in their liturgy, and this need is not being met.
Anyone who cares enough to take action, get to it! Ask your church leaders to address this. Ask for a day to be set aside every year for a special baby bereavement service.
The resources are all available from this site, so there is no excuse. There is even a service sheet, all ready to go in A4 format, easily printed out for the people who come. Contact me if you would like a sample copy of the service sheet.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Friday, 19 February 2010
Lucy's baby brother
When a baby is stillborn or dies very soon after birth, any young siblings can be very confused that the baby they were expecting to arrive, never comes home.
Lucy's baby brother Tom died aged just one day. The family handled it just right. Lucy was able to see her brother, come to the funeral and lay a flower on his grave.
Find out more here.
( .....and there is a special spring time offer to save you money! )
Lucy's baby brother Tom died aged just one day. The family handled it just right. Lucy was able to see her brother, come to the funeral and lay a flower on his grave.
Find out more here.
( .....and there is a special spring time offer to save you money! )
Monday, 15 February 2010
The grief of childlessness
"We don't have any kids". Behind that simple statement is a story of hidden loss. At an infertility clinic in London, six people are waiting for an appointment with an infertility counsellor, each with their own particular pain.
Teresa and James are in their thirties and keep a small grocer's shop in Luton. James is a keen birdwatcher. They have no children.
May and Greg are both 26 years old and work for the same firm of London stockbrokers. They love to ski and Greg drives a classic Jaguar XJS. They have no children.
Sue and Gordon are in their late forties. Gordon took early retirement a year ago and is seeking another job to keep him busy. Sue is a governor at a North London school, and Gordon is very active in the local amateur operatic group. They have no children.
These are six healthy, friendly and loving people, living their lives as we all do, but their longing for a child is too painful to discuss. They are waiting to see an infertility counsellor, who really understands what it means to be childless, but not by choice.
Teresa and James have been trying for a baby for twelve years. James has a low sperm count, and Teresa has never conceived, although tests show that she is ovulating normally. The fact that James is the infertile one is hard for them both. James has seen the counsellor alone twice and today is their first joint appointment. They know that the most intimate areas of their marriage must be aired. Denied the chance to prove his virility, James no longer feels a potent sexual being. He believes that long periods of complete abstinence can build up the sperm count, but Teresa is anxious to keep trying for a baby whenever they can.
The testing procedures have invaded Teresa's body. Obtaining sperm samples by masturbating alone in a hospital booth has been humiliating for James. Every month, the start of Teresa's monthly bleeding signals yet another failure. There is a tidal wave of feeling about to engulf them both and which needs to be talked over.
May and Gordon have conceived two babies in the five years, only to lose them both, and the chance for more. The first pregnancy was found to be ectopic at seven weeks. The developing baby and part of May's fallopian tube was removed in an emergency operation, during which she haemorrhaged and nearly died. For three years she was afraid to conceive again, but eventually she overcame her fears. She became pregnant, but scanning revealed another ectopic pregnancy, which was removed before it could create a risk. May's eggs are no longer able to contact Gordon's sperm because of damage to the fallopian tubes. With in vitro fertilisation they may be able to conceive again. This is their first appointment. They are trying not to feel angry and abused by the unfairness of their lives but remain hopeful. There are many years before May will be too old.
Sue and Greg are very familiar with this clinic. They have endured years of tests and investigations, and there is no clear reason why they have no children. Their home was re-mortgaged five years ago in a last ditch attempt to have children with the aid of in-vitro fertilisation. This is their final appointment. Sue has decided not to have any more treatment. Greg is puzzled, for Sue has not reached the menopause. Neither of them has spoken about their feelings, each wishing to protect the other. Today is a chance to say how it truly feels.
Later that afternoon the three couples set off for home. Shortly after Teresa gets home, the phone rings. It is her mother. Her mother thinks Teresa simply doesn't want children. Teresa knows she will tell her mother one day, but not yet. She can see James sitting with his head in his hands. That afternoon they opened the floodgates. They wept together for the first time for the child they would never have, the parents they would never be
May is on the phone to her parents. She may one day carry a baby to term in her womb. The counsellor helped them to see of the difficulties that may lie in their path. There will be a sense of invasion; the loss of privacy; the demeaning of their sexual activity to a purely biological process, the strain on their relationship. Gordon is simply driving on, praying that whatever comes, they will remain happy and united as a couple.
Sue and Greg are not yet ready to return home. They go for a silent walk along the river. They have bought a bunch of anemones. They reach a place where the willows bend down to the water. There is a bench, and they sit down. The counsellor has helped them to face the losses implicit in their decision to stop treatment. Their dreams of a child must remain unfulfilled. There are so many losses in their lives and today they have tried to accept them and let them go.
One by one, they drop the flowers into the river, each flower representing a particular loss. Firstly Greg throws a flower standing for his lost opportunity to become a father and grandfather. Then Sue throws her flower to represent her chance to become a mother and a grandmother.
There have been many, many times when they thought Sue might be pregnant. They dared to hope, and a dream baby began to form in their minds. Each flower says farewell to one of the many babies that never came. Hand in hand, they watch them circle and spin and drift away.
An illustrated allegory of the pain of childlessness and its effect upon the would-be parents. Available postage-free by mail order from Wren Publications. £ 3.95 More......
Teresa and James are in their thirties and keep a small grocer's shop in Luton. James is a keen birdwatcher. They have no children.
May and Greg are both 26 years old and work for the same firm of London stockbrokers. They love to ski and Greg drives a classic Jaguar XJS. They have no children.
Sue and Gordon are in their late forties. Gordon took early retirement a year ago and is seeking another job to keep him busy. Sue is a governor at a North London school, and Gordon is very active in the local amateur operatic group. They have no children.
These are six healthy, friendly and loving people, living their lives as we all do, but their longing for a child is too painful to discuss. They are waiting to see an infertility counsellor, who really understands what it means to be childless, but not by choice.
Teresa and James have been trying for a baby for twelve years. James has a low sperm count, and Teresa has never conceived, although tests show that she is ovulating normally. The fact that James is the infertile one is hard for them both. James has seen the counsellor alone twice and today is their first joint appointment. They know that the most intimate areas of their marriage must be aired. Denied the chance to prove his virility, James no longer feels a potent sexual being. He believes that long periods of complete abstinence can build up the sperm count, but Teresa is anxious to keep trying for a baby whenever they can.
The testing procedures have invaded Teresa's body. Obtaining sperm samples by masturbating alone in a hospital booth has been humiliating for James. Every month, the start of Teresa's monthly bleeding signals yet another failure. There is a tidal wave of feeling about to engulf them both and which needs to be talked over.
May and Gordon have conceived two babies in the five years, only to lose them both, and the chance for more. The first pregnancy was found to be ectopic at seven weeks. The developing baby and part of May's fallopian tube was removed in an emergency operation, during which she haemorrhaged and nearly died. For three years she was afraid to conceive again, but eventually she overcame her fears. She became pregnant, but scanning revealed another ectopic pregnancy, which was removed before it could create a risk. May's eggs are no longer able to contact Gordon's sperm because of damage to the fallopian tubes. With in vitro fertilisation they may be able to conceive again. This is their first appointment. They are trying not to feel angry and abused by the unfairness of their lives but remain hopeful. There are many years before May will be too old.
Sue and Greg are very familiar with this clinic. They have endured years of tests and investigations, and there is no clear reason why they have no children. Their home was re-mortgaged five years ago in a last ditch attempt to have children with the aid of in-vitro fertilisation. This is their final appointment. Sue has decided not to have any more treatment. Greg is puzzled, for Sue has not reached the menopause. Neither of them has spoken about their feelings, each wishing to protect the other. Today is a chance to say how it truly feels.
Later that afternoon the three couples set off for home. Shortly after Teresa gets home, the phone rings. It is her mother. Her mother thinks Teresa simply doesn't want children. Teresa knows she will tell her mother one day, but not yet. She can see James sitting with his head in his hands. That afternoon they opened the floodgates. They wept together for the first time for the child they would never have, the parents they would never be
May is on the phone to her parents. She may one day carry a baby to term in her womb. The counsellor helped them to see of the difficulties that may lie in their path. There will be a sense of invasion; the loss of privacy; the demeaning of their sexual activity to a purely biological process, the strain on their relationship. Gordon is simply driving on, praying that whatever comes, they will remain happy and united as a couple.
Sue and Greg are not yet ready to return home. They go for a silent walk along the river. They have bought a bunch of anemones. They reach a place where the willows bend down to the water. There is a bench, and they sit down. The counsellor has helped them to face the losses implicit in their decision to stop treatment. Their dreams of a child must remain unfulfilled. There are so many losses in their lives and today they have tried to accept them and let them go.
One by one, they drop the flowers into the river, each flower representing a particular loss. Firstly Greg throws a flower standing for his lost opportunity to become a father and grandfather. Then Sue throws her flower to represent her chance to become a mother and a grandmother.
There have been many, many times when they thought Sue might be pregnant. They dared to hope, and a dream baby began to form in their minds. Each flower says farewell to one of the many babies that never came. Hand in hand, they watch them circle and spin and drift away.
An illustrated allegory of the pain of childlessness and its effect upon the would-be parents. Available postage-free by mail order from Wren Publications. £ 3.95 More......
Thursday, 28 January 2010
A "Not out of mind" baby bereavement service
This service really helps. We used to hold one every autumn in our parish church, until the new priest came, and he has other ideas.
Take a look: at a sample service leaflet ( copyright free, help yourself)
Take a look: at a sample service leaflet ( copyright free, help yourself)
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Great hymn or song for a baby bereavement service
Fleetingly known
( to the tune of “ Morning has broken”.)
Fleetingly known, yet ever remembered
These are our children, now and always;
These whom we see not, we will forget not,
Morning and evening, all of our days.
Lives that touched our lives, tenderly, briefly
Now in the one light living always
Named in our hearts now, safe from all harm now
We will remember all of our days.
As we recall them, silently name them,
Open our hearts Lord, now and always
Grant to us grieving love for the living,
Strength for each other all of our days.
Safe in your peace Lord hold these our children;
Grace, light and laughter grant them each day
Cherish and hold them till we may name them
When to your glory we find a way.
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Today's idea: a workshop for professionals when a baby dies in hospital
Suggestions for a NOT OUT OF MIND workshop based in a general hospital:
When a baby dies in hospital
A one- day workshop about a hidden and inadequately addressed area of grief in families
AM:
A medical problem
Discussion of the incidence of the death of a baby and some of the medical problems. Radiographers midwives and nurses are also involved. Miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth neonatal death.
A personal problem
The parents view. The mother who goes through it and loses the baby she has carried for so long. The father who loses a baby he will never hold or know. When professionals have experienced the death of a baby too. The psychological effects of dis-allowed mourning.
A professional problem
"Don’t worry, there will be other babies" . Standard procedures that make things worse. Funeral directors and hospital porters find it hard to deal with. An unaddressed area of care.
PM:
The professional response: Towards good practice.
• Touch and hold: contact with the dead baby.
• A dignified ending: to sluice or not to sluice?
• What can we say?
• Blessings, funerals, memorials, general baby bereavement services
Invite:
Nurses; Midwives; Gynaecologists; Obstetricians; SCBU professionals Hospital porters; Funeral directors; Hospital chaplains
Comments welcomed!
When a baby dies in hospital
A one- day workshop about a hidden and inadequately addressed area of grief in families
AM:
A medical problem
Discussion of the incidence of the death of a baby and some of the medical problems. Radiographers midwives and nurses are also involved. Miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth neonatal death.
A personal problem
The parents view. The mother who goes through it and loses the baby she has carried for so long. The father who loses a baby he will never hold or know. When professionals have experienced the death of a baby too. The psychological effects of dis-allowed mourning.
A professional problem
"Don’t worry, there will be other babies" . Standard procedures that make things worse. Funeral directors and hospital porters find it hard to deal with. An unaddressed area of care.
PM:
The professional response: Towards good practice.
• Touch and hold: contact with the dead baby.
• A dignified ending: to sluice or not to sluice?
• What can we say?
• Blessings, funerals, memorials, general baby bereavement services
Invite:
Nurses; Midwives; Gynaecologists; Obstetricians; SCBU professionals Hospital porters; Funeral directors; Hospital chaplains
Comments welcomed!
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Healing after abortion?
Now that abortion has been legally available for more than forty years, we have several generations of men and women who have experienced at least one or more abortions in their lives. It is time for those who make decisions about these things to address this issue and make sure that pastoral care for people after abortion is made widely available. I would like to see regular public liturgies of memorial and healing for those involved in abortion. As a step towards this, we could begin to gather ideas together about how this could be done. As far as I am aware, my own book “Not out of Mind” published in 1998, remains the only published work on this subject. I would be glad to hear from any other individuals or groups who have done similar work, so a more up-to-date work can be created.
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